Things I noticed when watching Nigerian Home videos

Oh boy.
Nigerian mov…I mean home videos are essientially the culture of Nigerians brought to video form. All the kindness, love, greed, predjudice, hatred, understanding and Joy is espressed in the movies of my home country…more or less.
However, watching them has been fairly difficult due to certain things i’ve noticed as a casual watcher, which I’ve kindly listed below.

Here goes:

1. If you’re an Orphan prepare to suffer endlessly… anything that can go wrong will go wrong.Double if you’re disabled in some way.

2. If you’re adopted your parents will only love you so long as they have no natural children of their own. As soon as they do, you the adopted child will be treated as shit.

3. Never invite your relatives from the village to the city. They will cause more problems than they are worth.

4. For every Three rich men you see, 1 is involved in juju/blood money and the other is into fraudulent business. The remaining one is always in the shipping business.

5. The general worth of the movie can be determined by how many hairstyle changes the lead actress is allowed to have.

6. It has been highly suspected that 2.5 houses is sufficient to depict a variety of sets in any movie.
6.5. It is also theorized that these houses are often the directors private property.

7. Family resemblance is non existent. Two widely differing individuals are often presented as related by blood.

8. Medical facilities are often depicted as hellholes of despair, desolace and incompetence. Every three scenes where a hospital is shown someone dies.

9. Police brutality is police policy. Torture is a valid way of getting info from suspects.

10. If a woman’s husband dies, she should flee immediately. His extended family will either: A. Accuse her of killing her husband and enact degrading punishments or B. Seek to seize “their share” of the husband’s property which often means everything.

11. Juju is a valid method for romantic conquest.

12. By their castings you shall know their plots. Nollywood actors and actresses are in my own subjective mindset far more typecast than their bollywood/hollywood counterparts. Thus by seeing their faces on the poster of a movie, one can 85% accurately predict the general plot of the story.

13. There is no point in getting involved with the royal family on a romantic basis. If you’re not killed by a rival, you’re going to be framed for a crime you didn’t commit or be a casualty of the scandals and power struggles that go on within the palace walls.

Yeah this is hardly a complete list of Nigerian movie trends that I’ve noticed but they cannot be denied!

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